Mom and I had our phone call yesterday, and she mentioned that she had been somewhat concerned the past several days that I might be starting down the road toward an episode. I confess, I was concerned too. When episodes begin, I become very “good” and somewhat poetic, seeing messages everywhere and interpreting things to mean much more than they probably do.
Over the past week or two, it seemed this was happening. I began having very vivid dreams when I slept, and in my waking hours it was as though my head was in the clouds, seeing wondrous things everywhere. I think my posts here reflect that.
On one of the stranger days, I told Mom that although I was experiencing the symptoms of an episode, it did not feel like psychosis to me. Rather, it felt like a re-integration of some kind. As though the fantastic ideas that I have during episodes were coming into reality, allowing me to see them without losing myself in them… to become more of an observer of the ideas, rather than to believe that the ideas were necessarily what was real.
Now that it seems that my feet are back on the ground, I realize that it is this ability to observe and integrate ideas with reality that makes one an artist. I have not considered myself an artist in the past. Although my father (a skilled artist himself) taught me much about light and color, technique and perspective, I never had a passion for creating art before. But this latest integration experience taught me that I have the heart of a poet, the eye of a photographer, and the mind of a sculptor. It is the great disparity between these qualities, which make up who I really am, and the ordinary life I regularly lead, that are the source of much of the disintegration I have experienced over the past several years.
Now I am beginning to understand not only the reason for the mental challenges I’ve been experiencing, but also where my energies need to be focused. Finally, I am able to discover again the beauty in the mundane.
It is my hope to continue to share what I see as I am inspired to do so. If what I see around me inspires you, that’s wonderful, but if not, that’s a fine thing too. I’m not out to impress anyone. I just want to live as me for a change.